BE HER OR BE ME, I DON'T KNOW ANYMORE

LOST IN HER MIND

Every time I look at myself in the mirror, I hate what I see. I'm reminded of everything I want to

be--and everything I'm not. I loathe, I curse, I sneer. For what am I capable of?

A lot. That I know.

When I think of everything I want to be, I see the possibility of all of it coming alive. The thought of

what *could be* is paralyzing. In my head, in my entire being, I know it can be. I can see it, feel

it--and sometimes I even delude myself into believing it's already at my fingertips.

So why is it so hard to take that one step?

That journey of a thousand miles--why must the first step be so fucking hard?

Why couldn't it be as easy as sitting in the passenger seat?

Taking a bite out of a burger?

Inhaling?

Why does it have to feel like climbing a goddamn mountain--every single time?

Always thinking, always processing, always trying.

I often wonder why all the good things in my life have to be the hardest to achieve.

Why can't I lose weight by eating a fucking burger?

Why can't I pass a test by sleeping?

Why can't I be *the it girl* just by being me?

Why can't I be successful while staying in my comfort zone?

I know those thoughts are unrealistic, even stupid. But *what if?*

And also--who the hell *is* the It Girl?

Why do I want to be her?

Why do I want to lose weight?

Why do I want to pass that test?

What the fuck does "success" even mean to *me*?

This cycle of thoughts is what kills me inside. It kidnaps me from reality and redefines everything I

am, everything I want to be.

I want to be the It Girl because she's respected. She passes tests without trying too hard. She's

calm, grounded, and has her shit together. She's not swayed by opinions. She makes responsible

choices. She has a waist she never worked for and skin she never had to pay for. She gets the guy.

She travels. She speaks five languages. She always has money, but never really works for it.

She's loved by everyone. She's the center of attention--even though she keeps to herself and has

that mysterious, effortless energy.

So why?

Why the fuck do I want to be her so badly?

I don't know.

I've read self-help posts, turned to AI for guidance, quit watching my favorite shows, starved myself,

binge ate, learned new skills I never followed through with--all to be her. But I never became her.

Not once.

She's so fucking talented, and I don't know how to be her.

How did she get there?

How did she become *HER*?

I know self-deprecation is sucky, icky, wrong--and deep, deep down, I *know* that. So why can't I

just *be*?

Why do I want to be her so bad?

Why is it so important?

Why can't I get rid of her and just be *me*?

Why am I not enough for myself?

Why can't I settle?

Why is it so hard?

And the worst part--why is nobody answering these questions?

I ask and ask and ask. And the more I ask, the more they pile up.

And the answers I get?

"You're too sensitive."

"Try to love yourself more."

"You're just lazy."

"Be confident."

Believe me--I've tried that.

I worked hard.

Tried to love myself more.

Tried to be HER more times than I can count.

But I always end up right back here.

So what's the answer?

Am I just a lost human like everyone else, with no clear purpose and too many holes to fill?

Am I chasing answers that don't exist?

Maybe I should just give in.

Box up these thoughts and live a safe, quiet life. One without questions or chaos.

Just...exist.

Honestly, that sounds comfortable.

But I think it might kill me--from boredom. From regret.

What to do?

What to do?

What to do?

Maybe some questions aren't meant to be answered.

Not in self-help books.

Not in videos.

Not even in therapy.

Maybe the answers come quietly.

Maybe they take years.

If I keep trying to be her and never see progress, will it ever be worth it?

Is patience the answer?

Or grounding myself in the present?

But even that feels like the same damn cycle.

Maybe I should stop *trying* to be her...

and just **be her**.

If that makes any sense.

Maybe I'll never find the answers.

I've searched outside myself for years.

Maybe it's time to search *within*.

Why do I want to be her?

Why don't I want to be me?

What's so wrong with the "me" that exists now?

Again--more questions.

And no one knows.

Maybe no one ever will.

So what do I do?

Do I spiral again?

Cave into the destruction?

Embrace the chaos?

**YES.**

Yes.

YES.

That sounds doable.

Fulfilling? Hell no.

But hey--

**I'M HUMAN.**

And tomorrow, I'll revisit these thoughts like a chapter in a book I can't stop reading.

So you know what?

**F**K IT.**